Sir Henry Nutrider interview with the Untouchable Crew.
Answering questions: DooDooButtJones, Buttfinch McGee, Frankie Fuckin Four Fingers.
1. IMHO a lot of Internet writing is only found on the Internet because it is not very good. To be fair, I sometimes think that writers often rush drafts to the web before the process is complete. If that is indeed the case, why do you suppose it happens?
DDBJ: The urgency to see one's writing online is the same urge you have when you squeeze out a Cleveland Steamer on someone's chest.
BFMc: I suppose it happens because writers tend to want immediate gratification, so they prematurely ejaculate their work without properly working it first.
FFFF: Everyone wants petted.
2. As so-called writers, what causes us to assert to other writers that their stuff is good when we often believe otherwise, and sometimes go so far as to talk about those people behind their backs?
DDBJ: Um, I am a writer. So are you and so is [insert fake name]. And a word is coming to mind ... almost have it ... maybe it's two words, I can't tell: ass-kissing. I prefer to talk about myself.
BFMc: I only tell people their stuff is good if i feel it is good. If I think their stuff is not very good, I tend to just smile and nod, which, on the Internet, is not easy to see - i.e. I really don't say much of anything. I don't do much 'behind the back talking.'
FFFF: Mostly I do it to get something. I’m all about me.
3. Do you believe, deep down, that you are a good writer?
DDBJ: Are you serious? This is a question?
BFMc: No
FFFF: If ya don’t know now ya know.
4. Are you sick of the word “good” being in every question thus far? [I am.]
DDBJ: I like peas.
BFMc: No.
FFFF: I speak good English.
5. Be honest. What percent of the stuff you read online do you actually like?
DDBJ: I try to only read stuff I like. I give new stuff a few sentences to grab me or else snore, hit button, move on, maybe watch porn. So, maybe like 90% because that's the percentage made up by Ty B, xTx, and ~otto~. No that's not fair. There is a lot of good writing on the Internet, you just have to find it all yourself, which sucks, which is why publishers (who publish on paper) still rule the day. They sift through it for you -- AND CHARGE MONIES. Mel Bosworth, Jimmy Chen and lots of others out there are kicking ass.
BFMc: Not sure, maybe 65%
FFFF: I like my friends. Sometimes I decide people are not my friends anymore and then I admit that they sucked all along.
6. Have you thought things out past that magical, mystical day of “discovery?”
DDBJ: There are sparklers and bunnies and strippers and moist cake.
BFMc: Nope.
FFFF: Yep. I’m gonna talk more shit about fake-ass ball sweaters and their shitty websites.
7. Do you think discovery will happen just by someone happening upon your words somewhere?
DDBJ: Happens all the time. Just not to me.
BFMc: Yes.
FFFF: Retarded question.
8. Do you hate yourself as much as I hate myself?
DDBJ: I love the hate.
BFMc: probably.
FFFF: I only act like I hate myself to manipulate people.
9. What do you hope to gain from writing? And please be honest, don’t give an answer you think you are supposed to, or one that is directed at some reader you’ve never met but feel you must placate.
DDBJ: Freedom. Oh, and pussy. Lots of pussy. Mainly pussy. Freedom is cool, too, though, I guess. I do not know. Orgies? Internet interviews? You tell me. Wait, no, this is it: to never die.
BFMc: Good question. Not sure. Fame and fortune would probably be the end all, but as I highly doubt that would happen, um, respect and admiration of strangers? Peace of mind maybe. Feelings of awesomeness....
FFFF: Enough money to get my partner off my back about working.
10. Will you tweet this interview to your followers?
DDBJ: Fuck Twitter in the goat ass.
BFMc: No.
FFFF: Hells to the yeah.
11. Would you like to see my penis?
BFMc: already did.
FFFF: Penis Week.
12. What motivates you to sit down and type every day?
DDBJ: See No. 9.
BFMc: A feeling like a sneeze or like when you need to shit. It must be eliminated.
FFFF: Chicks with hot bodies.
13. Does Internet writing set you free?
DDBJ: No, it's a shackle. Like I have to do Internet interviews all the time.
BFMc: i think so.
FFFF: Yes.
14. Where do you see yourself [in regards to writing] in five years?
DDBJ: At a desk, typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating. Maybe drinking or eating small baggies of things I like. Or not. Maybe just listening to the sounds from the street.
BFMc: Published in some form somewhere, and hopefully a lot better than I am now.
FFFF: Acting like a famous dickhead.
15. What makes you think you can tell Ty Bluesmith what to do?
DDBJ: Kobe.
BFMc: because he is my bitch.
FFFF: I am Ty Bluesmith.
