This old, drunk broad comes in and sits at the end of the bar. She's lively to be a great-grandmother. She's ordering drinks for people, cursing and telling dirty jokes.
"I'm Mary Lou from World War II," she declared. "Hey, sonny, what's the difference between a Kotex and an atom bomb?"I really did not want to know, but the punchline was racist, sexist and disgusting. I would have loved it except I cannot tolerate tampons or menstruation.
She got the bartender's attention by yelling, "Hey-bob-a-ree-bob!"
"Give me another drink, honey." When he turned his back she flipped him off with a saggy, wrinkly finger. She told us she was born in 1916 and has buried two husbands.
"What are you looking at you motherfuckers!" she yelled across the bar at a dude watching the Miami-FSU game.
I pulled out my camera to sneak a picture of this sideshow, but I was discovered.
"I just got our of prison," she said.
"For what?" my wife said.
"Killing a guy that was tryin' to take my picture."
She lipped all her words because she had no teeth. I know this because she pointed it out to us. That might be cool if she was a hot 20-year-old and was going to suck off everyone in the bar … uh, no … that wouldn't be cool, either.
"Anybody got a cigarette? I'll give ya two bits for a cigarette!" When she spoke, her painted lips curled around her gums making her mouth look like an inflamed anus.
Then, without warning, she flashed her saggy, wrinkly, crusty boobs at the bar. Twice. My reflexes just aren't up to par with an 88-year-old and I was unable to avoid eye contact. Both times. I will live in horror of those moments for the rest of my life.
I paid the tab and went to the bathroom to puke. My wife went over and said goodbye to her. Mary Lou leaned in and whispered in my wife's ear, "This is all I got, honey. If I stopped drinking, I'd die."
See, drinking is good for you.
