You can make your kid's leash look like a monkey backpack but it's
still a goddamn leash.
still a goddamn leash.
I don't have a problem widdit cuz your kid is probably an asshole who
should be caged up.
I'm just sayin.
"ya know..Ty says that a lot, ride with the 369 but i'd be afraid to ride with the 369... they drive fast & would make me sit in the back seat with all the empty beer cans, moldy taco bell wrappers & used condoms n stuff."
well now i guess i sit around and wait until the trojans break my heart in the fall.
have a bless day.
sent from my iMintosportsbecuzilikebeingsad
what if you had a head that was really a hole and all day long the hole talked
the whole talked
the hoe talked
blah blah blah and
what if like that hole never did anything except talk and lie and be jealous and act all weird and shit wouldn't that suck becuz dude i think it really would
sent from my iMsorrywecan'treviewyourapplicationtojointhenineratthistimeyoudidnotsendthenecessaryjpeg
bitch you are my gloryhole by tyrell augustus bsmith tha 3rd
bitch you are my gloryhole
and you are also the girl on the other side of the wall
i stick my cock in your face but won't let you look at me
and then later
i let you read me your crazy stories
but bitch
plz never forget
that you my dear are my gloryhole
birth of the niner 2008.
once upon a time a guy told another guy he should submit something to thieves jargon and the guy did and got in and then a girl emailed him and said she liked his story and he read her blog becuz sometimes crazy girls bother him and he wanted to check her out before he emailed back and he liked the blog and said wow she is just like me but then dug into her comments a little bit and saw that like every guy ever said that to her all the time but nonetheless he told her so too and then it went from there.
is otto dead or what?
oppositely, who will we replace him with x?
i say like a pair of hot twins or something along those lines what do you think?
This is making me feel uncomfortable and left out
It's the THREE69 not the TWO69
I want in on all sexual activity
I want in on all sexual activity
Hi my name is Ronald Coolnickname and I am starting a blog.
Hmmm.
Who should I ask to write for me?
Oh I know.
xtx.
It's not that you are going to let me dominate you becuz you think that's what I think I need ok.
Fact of the matter is that I do dominate you and it's always been like that and always will be.
Amen.
When I sobered-up I was sitting in a Greek restaurant and there were like three plates of food in front of me and no one seemed mad or was staring at me or anything so I think all went well.
2 orders of beeswax
Internal memo:
Herein let it be known that based on the natural God's order of things you will from now on obey me in all matters specific to the LEGENDARY GODDAMN 369.
--------
External communication:
At this point we [NINERS] are announcing that we are currently accepting jpeg submissions for pictures of YOU THE READER pissing thru your panties.
Send everything to xtx. She will act as liason officer while I get my dick sucked in the back and count the stacks of cheddar yaheard.
I've been watching sports for about 3.5 decades. My teams have won one championship in all sports combined.
I think I like heartbreak.
the prose of xtx part two
omg. you are my favorite bitch whore. i charge the most for you. i only slap you on sundays.
Okay, nobody is going to acknowledge
that there is 369 graf in Fenway? 369! In Fenway! Fuck Boston!
xTx rocks, Ty B and Newcastle are like mana from Heaven.
I played kickball in clover fields in Prospect Park.
Roll with the Niner.
oh yeah i'm having a get-together but what i want to tell you is that when frat boys grow up they move to the burbs and have giant beer pong parties by my house and it sounds like college bring on the bitches yo
369: Fuck Boston
maybe this is about a girl and a guy
here goes: umm so like you don't have many friends in real life. maybe none. and you say it doesn't bother you.
i mean. it's not exile or anything. sure you're alone but not totally. there are ppl to talk at whenever you wish really.
for example there is the motherfucker you get along with at work.
and the girl who used to give you handjobs in your car before you entered a relationship with another female.
oh and the guy you used to get drunk and buy 8balls with oh
and your friends from back home who you call once in awhile like on holidays or after legendary evenings with [KABOOM] mannequins [EMPTY EYES] when you want to repeat the things that were said and done.
[dudesheblewmeafteranal]
etc.
anyway it's like you don't have many friends in real life but you are popular on the internet right.
i mean you are a real hit with the IP crowd that's for goddamn sure.
totally.
hi i'm johnny and i have a mac.
and at ups they called me johnny mac.
and i like you until i am bored sweet thing. i do. no one interests me like you.
oh you write? just kidding. i knew that already.
nowayyouareneverboringyourwordsmakemetouchmyselfbaybee.
and i am yours forever.
or until you find some new writer to crush on.
or i get tired of you so let's go
meet me on the web
i can fuck you with my asdf
and you can tell me that the words make you crumble and i'm gonna be a star someday mosdef.
and none of this
no
not a single solitary moment
is absolutely totally boring as fuck.
ever.
[haveablessday]
[kisses to the kissable. dap to all the rest.]
------------------------
theytakeapolaroidandletyougosaythey'llletyouknowsocomeon
what did you do today well i hung out on 13stitches and discussed hostess and little debbie and tasty cakes etc etc you?
omg i had a bialy today!!!! a real honest to goodness no hyphens fuck off about it i'm talkin bialy baybay with veggie cream cheese that was like four dollars for a glob but so the fuck what
BIALY
shozbot.
jerry west said lebron is better than kobe so now i guess the most boring team ever will beat the nuggets by 30 tonite.
the lakers - they are so yawn.
Hipster on the train is eating a Push-Up for breakfast.
White lady reading chick lit is snuggling up pretty close to me, like really close, and she has room on the other side. Reading "Something Blue."
Must be because I smell great. I finally showered. There's something about working from home that makes me never want to shower. I got pretty ripe. I shaved finally, too.
A baby won't shut the fuck up. Kids are so gotdam rude.
Miss Chick Lit likes to snuggle. Shut up Mr. Baby. Mr. Hipster thinks he's Peter Pan. I ride with the threesixnine.
cockmincing pussy blender
every guy on his blackberry like hez got somewhere better to be even though he doesnt
every dork in the room hitting on the hottest girl who dances the best ignoring the rest
dudes with jackets and scarves in the eightyplus degrees
all the jealous hags mock her moves while their boyfriends gawk
sixteendollar shots of patron
every topforty hit gets the hottest girl who dances the best out of her chair
her shorts can barely contain her notverybig ass they are that short no bra
this one dude leans in kisses his girlz neck slow and soft like he was kissing a babyz head
his girl hugs him says i love you in his ear which is his cue that itz safe to take a good long look at the ass being shaken at him
he whispers i love you too but his girl doesnt hear him because he wasnt talking to her
and it was loud as fuck
every dork in the room hitting on the hottest girl who dances the best ignoring the rest
dudes with jackets and scarves in the eightyplus degrees
all the jealous hags mock her moves while their boyfriends gawk
sixteendollar shots of patron
every topforty hit gets the hottest girl who dances the best out of her chair
her shorts can barely contain her notverybig ass they are that short no bra
this one dude leans in kisses his girlz neck slow and soft like he was kissing a babyz head
his girl hugs him says i love you in his ear which is his cue that itz safe to take a good long look at the ass being shaken at him
he whispers i love you too but his girl doesnt hear him because he wasnt talking to her
and it was loud as fuck
so like in some invisible fictitious world there is like a guy and he was like can i ask you something and the girl [there is always a girl] was like sure
and the guy was like it's kind of gross
and the girl was like what
and the guy was all umm i think i have a giant zit just inside my left butt cheek. will you look and tell me what's going on?
the girl did it in a second. she's kind of a weird girl in some ways. shortly she verified his thoughts.
and then of course he couldn't pop the thing
so he sprawled out on the bed - face down -
and the girl popped his giant ass zit.
supposedly it hurt like a motherfucker and
that btw is called love.
ride with the niner.
find a bitch who loves you.
she goes you gotta have at least a 30 ft boat on lake erie. the great lakes are notorious for their waves. i was like yeah
but like the edmund fitzgerald went down in the modern era and she was considered the greatest ship ever built but anyway the boat was fucking
sweet
and then later i was standing in front of a grill with like my fifth natty lite in my hand and i was like oh yeah baby lemme cook this meat for you barbarians no actually i was like
[insert name of street you lived on in college here - i said chittenden ave becuz that was mine]
and
the little kids were playing cornhole only it was called bean bag toss becuz they are not yet in college [tequilapukesexnite]
and a guy was telling a story actually he is my brother-in-law and he works for his buddy and basically that story itself is also like amazing the guys started a company with an old van and a bucket and now their shit's been sold to larger firms three times this last one a european company anyway the dude's personal life is a mess if that helps you hate on him any less
and
this guy who my aforementioned brother-in-law works for was recently at a party in a familiar [to me] suburb and KING JAMES was there and i guess the guys started talking about haircuts and KING JAMES busted out his phone and called his personal barber and the barber came to the par-tay and gave all the guys haircuts
HOW COOL IS KING JAMES?
also like you might like to know that when i was telling smarty aka melinda maria dejesus bonaventura cruz the haircut story it turned out she was sleeping here is how i knew
after i got done saying everything i just typed [word for word. steel trap memory. son.] smarty was like
did your email come thru
and then when i looked at her she had her eyes shut and her mouth was slightly open.
so as a result i was like you're sleeping aren't you?
have a bless day. go fuck your mother.
oh. and fuck michigan.
Gahanna was named the "Herb Capital of Ohio" in 1972
And bay is the 2009 herb of the year, narrowly edging out Sour Diesel.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/may-herb-festival-gahanna
http://www.gahanna.gov/departments/parks/herbcenter.asp
http://www.yelp.com/biz/may-herb-festival-gahanna
http://www.gahanna.gov/departments/parks/herbcenter.asp
so like there is this one guy and his friend is in town for a two day rock concert and he's seen his friend like twice or three times in the past ten years and the friend is staying downtown and the friend wants to hang out and asked the guy to get him an 8ball but the guy doesn't want to get his friend an 8ball becuz one drugs are bad and two the guy has to drive across the state tomorrow to go to a family birthday party and plus there is a girl named melinda making the guy go to an herb festival today becuz she wants to keep the guy out of trouble but the guy really wants to go hang with his friend and he is waiting while melinda takes yet another shower so she can look like a desperate housewives co-star or lead actor or something in front of all the yuppie fucks at the retarded fucking herb festival
and the band of brothers theme music plays over and over in the basement
and the ppl across the street are having a yard garage sale but they never introduced themselves when we moved in or even say hi or nod or any of that shit so as a result i'm not going to their stupid sale however
i must tell you that i have a box seat to the event complete with things to make your head spin
true story so like if you want to stop over and let me stick my cock in you i will share my shit.
have a bless day.
[mrbsmithincharge]
i'm like i can't hold the baby eat this minute maid frozen lemonade thing and be on the internet can i
baby but i are
"Ty, you always have that ramble that pulls you in - a casual intellect that is rare, but trendy, strange yet familiar - sort of mind stretching. You could probably get away with taxing your stories."
ride with the 369.
i guess when you pay a coach 10 million a year winning game six on the road isn't figured into that algorithm.
sent from my whathappenedtothelakersbitches
Ohio hates mannequin boobs
One bright lady suggested a pink elephant instead of a big-breasted woman.
t plus y equals 20 plus 25
equals 369.
sent from my iMnotlookin4vegasandi'mnotlookin4legali'mlookin4frankiefuckin4fingers.
back in the day there was a guy and he carried his black and white comp books around in his backpack and he used uniball pens and listened to his yellow sports walkman
and
he would sit on the benches or under the trees in tompkins square park and watch slash smell the punk rockers
and
he'd remember the girl who died the nite of the riot there death by taxicab and how an entire neighborhood cried becuz everyone knew her and the cops parked that big riot mobile there forever after that
and
sometimes he thought about how almost everyone around him was brown and he was so pale so fucking pale
and
he understood when they talked to him in spanish but he always answered in english becuz he didn't want them to laugh at his mispronunciations and inability to properly memorize the to be stuff
and
he would sit there and write like i said and he didn't know how to submit to agents or publishers or magazines or anything but he knew how the words made him feel
so fuckin alive man it can't be described
man
and
he would sit there and he would write and he would go oh wow there's henry rollins oh wow there's iggy pop oh wow there's handsome dick
true story.
anyway so he sat there and ate dollar slices and knishes and drank snapples and arizonas the year they came out and wondered why the knicks couldn't get a sidekick for ewing and he wrote
and wrote
and
i swear to god i wonder where that guy went.
And you hear the thunder and you lay in your bed
And you hear the thunder and you lay in your bed
And you hear the thunder and you lay in your bed
And you hear the thunder and you lay in your bed
And you hear the thunder and you lay in your bed
And you hear the thunder and you lay in your bed
i won't fuck her but you have to let me finger her tidy little pussy.
one guy at the grocery store goes dude do you have a myspace
and the other guy goes yeah
so the first guy goes you should put that quote on your myspace thing. then he repeats the quote. he like stammers he goes umm...no...fuck it...who cares
and then they both laugh
one of the boys was actually so mid-middle class that he worked at the grocery store and the other guy was a light skinned black.
maybe you don't know who i am he said
He was like I'm the guy who says whatever and asks whatever and comes off sounding like a total hillbilly
Latin girls jabbering on the train (for Ty)
A recording has been sent to you. Retrieve it now by using the
download link below. This link will only remain live for 10 days.
http://2.recordertheapp.com/25395b450d7e161a0b58
download link below. This link will only remain live for 10 days.
http://2.recordertheapp.com/25395b450d7e161a0b58
Sent from my iPhone
IT'S REALLY TOTALLY FUCKING TOUGH MORE LIKE IMPOSSIBLE TO READ ABOUT THREE WHEEL MOTORCYCLES WHEN YOU POST PICTURES LIKE THAT GODDAMN!!!!
I'm shitting boulders today
They make a big splash in the bowl, too. The water hits my bunghole and tickles.
I will be using the ladies' steam room today
Masturbate all you like, my lovelies
I'm still traumatized and nobody is showing me their boobs
WTF
hi wake up and talk to me otto send me links all day yeah babies send me emails i don't respond to unless you're hot i am bsmith with a heart that is true true
oh
true
Charles Kuralt
"You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars."
I am so drunk I'm actually happy like Ty
It's nice
I almost just fell out of my chair
While I counted out three ones for the
BARTNEDER
For really doing jack shit
I wrote some shit that I think is awesome, which means it's not ... coming soon
I almost just fell out of my chair
While I counted out three ones for the
BARTNEDER
For really doing jack shit
I wrote some shit that I think is awesome, which means it's not ... coming soon
I'm hearing techno on my earbuds and it makes me want to eat
like a pound of ecstacy
and maybe sniff a few Vick's inhalers
Or whatev
and maybe sniff a few Vick's inhalers
Or whatev
THIS IS A MESSAGE TO THE READER IN INDIA:
DOES THIS SHIT SEEM CRAZY TO YOU?
LIKE ARE YOU FROM INDIA ORIGINALLY?
AND READING US?
AND DO YOU GET WHAT WE'RE SAYING?
AND IS IT HOT THERE?
AND DO YOU KNOW ANY GIRLS FROM BOLLYWOOD MOVIES I WANT TO WATCH THEM DANCE IN LARGE GROUPS WHILE SINGING AND SPINNING AND THEN NATURALLY GRIND THEY PUSSIES ON ME AT A LATER DATE TO BE SPECIFIED IN PRIVATE EMAIL OR CHAT ROOM SETTINGS YA HEAR
i read your other blog and i just want to tell you that you ppl are crazy she said.
sent from my iWipemyjizzonyourface
hi how are you i am fine thanks for asking in return i was hoping we could go for a ride in my corvette baby model number 369 the
game is on but it's still early and boring i've made almost 25 gallons of RO water in just over 8 hours god that shit takes forever
my fish they
are all niners they ride with the j3f3
They're filming a movie at my writing spot
Good, the Bad, and the Ugly." Those kleig lights are as bright as the sun.
dad i hungy
dad i hungy
dad i hungy
dad i hungy
dad i hungy
dad i hungy
dad i hungy
dad i hungy
sent from my iMtheirslavehelp
oh and by the way our 300 dollah RO UNIT makes water super slowly and you gotta throw out the first 30 gallons to get rid of the preservative in the membrane.
plus we really think you're gonna enjoy setting it up for 9 hours
Jigga wha? Jigga who?
Two guys next to me on the train: "My nigga ... Nigga ... Yo nigga ... Nigga nigga nigga nigga ... My nigga ... Yo I'd take a bullet AND do a bid for Fiddy ... Damn nigga ... my nigga ... Nigga ... yo nigga ... Nigga ... What nigga? ... Cmon nigga ... Nigga please."
Sent from my iNigga
Traumatized again
A brat sits next to me on the train
He wants his book
His dad pulls out a large thin hardcover book about the Titanic
Now the brat wants gum
All dad has is spearmint
Brat doesn't want spearmint
Brat bashes the book into his head
Over and over
Dad tried to reason with unreasonable brat
Brat throws fit, continues to bash head with book
This happened right next to me!!!
It was the brat equivalent of the gigantic steam room cock!!!
Show me your boobs
Sent from my iPhuckinghatebrats
I'm still traumatized by the gigantic gay dick that was being jacked off next to me, part two
See part one
I'm still traumatized by the gigantic gay dick that was being jacked off next to me
Looooooook dude was RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME
It was hot and steamy
The steam room that is
If that goop had landed on me someone woulda had to die and it would have been me from AIDS okay
Not cool man not cool
xTx please make me feel better
It's just not right for a dude to do that to another dude who isn't into dudes dude
It was hot and steamy
The steam room that is
If that goop had landed on me someone woulda had to die and it would have been me from AIDS okay
Not cool man not cool
xTx please make me feel better
It's just not right for a dude to do that to another dude who isn't into dudes dude
hey yo exotica come sit on sweet boy's lap.
1. xtx's last post on the nine-a-licious was beyond badass.
2. ah-toh's was good too ok but not as good as xtx's. but in all fairness you can't really compare the posts. it's like comparing meijer to target. oh. you don't know what meijer is? it's fuck you. how's that sound? do ya feel more informed now and like i'm speaking to you and your precious little world becuz as you know you are mos def that importantay.
[ohiknowyou'reSOcosmopolitan]
3. whenever boston and orlando get done mediocre-ing one another to death the cavs will be waiting.
4. have you ever taken every comma out of a novel before?
5. it's taxing.
6. the lakers ain't ready for the nuggets.
7. your mom ain't ready for my giant cock.
8. your story was tres boring. yes you know i mean you.
9. ride with the niner.
10. kisses to the kissable dap to all the rest.
sent from my iMasturbatedtwicetoday
Stop jerking your cock in the steam room
Seriously, dude. That's like three different crimes and a healthcode violation, plus your shit traumatized me. xTx wouldn't have been traumatized tho. It was gigantic. He was beating it hard, too, like it stole his front-row tickets to "Rent."
Sent from my iMfrightenedpleaseholdme
all those magazines suck and so do 99 percent of the writers in there.
and you know it's true.
sent from my iMmosdefdon'tlikeyou
Let's start a lit mag and reject 100% of stories
Be all like: You are wasting your time submitting because you will never be good enough but you'll also never stop trying to win our approval. Please send your works to some shitty zine that nobody reads.
FUCK YES!!!
36niner
FUCK YES!!!
36niner
369 til i die
how come like so many shitty writers roll in shitty writer cliques?
oh i know it's so they can tell each other how great they are all day long and be on the same stupid 150 visitor websites aka lit mags god bless you sorry pieces of lonely shit i mean
deep
down
the worst thing with you is that you know no one really likes you in actual real 3-D life right so you act like some kind of typing cop online but hey shoot me an email in ten yrs and let me know how the fame thing went ok
Motherlover
Nice followup to "Dick in a Box." Justin Timberlake should just join the "Saturday Night Live" cast already.
it's like the day you found out you'd been the loudest laugher in the room your entire life
No it's like a movie only the movie sucks and like you go to it during the day by yourself and the popcorn costs ninetynine bucks and is stale as a motherfucker and the soda isn't sweet enough you fucking bitch you
think to yourself no say aloud but it's ok becuz there is only one other person in the theater and he has his overcoat on his lap I mean come on who the fuck wears overcoats in May man
right
[heisplayingpocketpool]
anyway
the movie is fucking gay as fuck there is like a hero dude and he looks like a total pussy and the bad guy also looks like someone's gay little prostitute boy and the two homos who I suppose represent our modern versions of good and evil with shit in their hair and jizzum in they throats
FUCK IT FUCKING BORES ME TO DEATH THIS MOVIE
but anyway the two guys battle over some empty eyed/starved out twig girl with huge fake bosoms that neither would fuck for real in real life and then the day is saved after everything blows up only
there are new terrorists around every corner so nothing is ever ok
ok?
That shit is what your shit is like only way more entertaining.
kisses to the kissable
dap to all the rest
Went into the drugstore to get baby powder and came out with 35 dollars worth of snacks oh yeah god bless the land of the free i got pretzels filled with peanut butter and cashews and cracker jack and chocolate and cheetos and pumpkin seeds and two kinds of milano's
fuckin lovely if you ask me fight for freedom abroad
girl writers who look like sickly little boys and why i don't read them
they suck
sent from my iMesswithhotgirls
there were two girls standing in my side yard ok
and like i think they were visiting grandma next door for mother's day and maybe they were in high school maybe 8th grade i can't tell anymore i'm old and the one girl was short and tan and thick but not fat nossir and she was wearing short shorts and the other girl was pale and lanky and modelish looking and they were both texting and the lanky one had on big sunglasses and my dick wanted to fuck them it did
sent from my iMeanITyo
I'm drinking Woodford
I had a burger that was so good my shit is going to taste delicious too
I moved from whiskey to whisky to bourbon stuck on bourbon
Fuck the Orioles
I moved from whiskey to whisky to bourbon stuck on bourbon
Fuck the Orioles
I can't stop looking at the Rihanna nude pics
That ass that gaping swollen cunt those fucking luscious tits
My dick is taking the beating of its life
My dick is taking the beating of its life
There's a big sign in right field of the Mets new dump: BIG NUT BARS. The bats are pink.
Nyjer Morgan stole second easily, slid head first. The old Irish bartender says to his drunken choir, "Ya know when Pete Rose first did that they did a whole thing about how that doesn't help. You'd think they'd tell everyone at spring training, 'No sliding head first!'" Old man from the choir says, "And nobody bunts anymore! If they taught them how to bunt you'd win another nine, ten games a season!"
The bartender starts quoting "The Honeymooners." The chorus laughs. The bartender says the three of them were a great team. He doesn't count Trixie. "Gimmie one funny line from her. Just one."
Sent from my iPhuckyourmotherok
Happy Mother's Day, oh and your story is rejected
What is with these lit mags sending rejections on holidays and shit. Um, you've two months to reject me but you wait till today? Not that I really give two shits, my mom is a lunatic and we haven't spoken in years, but you see my point.
melinda maria dejesus bonaventura cruz
if i live to be 100 i will never forget you holding the boppy over your face so the kings' security cameras could not pick you up while you said ty what are you doing get out of his driveway.
so like sometimes i feel all alone and everyone bothers me and i retreat and write sad SORRY prose about how shitty my parents were and how social classes are JUST WRONG MAN
n then i send tweets to my friends fuck me in my ass and oh
when does obama's change begin not tryin to rush y'all but america is closing down the
LAND OF THE FREE
shameless stat generator
new development in the philip markoff case:
not really. stop being so fascinated by hooker murder that you're wasting your time on google.
Tell Big D that if his dick isn't as long as your crack you're going
to shit on his face and he's not allowed to enjoy it
to shit on his face and he's not allowed to enjoy it
She walked on the train and I saw the fantastic tits first, under a
tight black T-shirt. Plump ass under even tighter jeans. I love
Latinas. Then I saw the Mickey Mouse purse. Fuck. Whatever, I don't
even care. That illegal shit was hot. (Filing in the spank bank.)
tight black T-shirt. Plump ass under even tighter jeans. I love
Latinas. Then I saw the Mickey Mouse purse. Fuck. Whatever, I don't
even care. That illegal shit was hot. (Filing in the spank bank.)
Sent from my iPervert
HALFTIME
there is like a few second difference between the shot clock and the game clock and the hawks are working the ball around and they nail a three but it's a shot clock violation and the king inbounds the ball at half court to the wild thing and the wild thing
gives it right back and
lebron takes two steps in from half court and drains the triple as time runs out.
sent from my iMaWITNESS
i love me and so do you
"that way you have with vernacular, punctuation, et al really appeals to me. I know it's not for eveyone but in a life of seriousness and intellect and even the pompass - I find it refreshing and lighthearted to read the way you write. I also find it modern and I personally am all for thinking outside of the age old box. you blend a high tech generation of terminology with casual that one might share when talking with a friend."
what if it wasn't a popularity contest what if writing was done becuz it couldn't be any other way what if all the ppl
ah
forget it
only kobe gets to throw elbows
only kobe gets to throw elbows
only kobe gets to throw elbows
only kobe gets to throw elbows
only kobe gets to throw elbows
sweetie i should show you my wang an open letter to my neighbor actually a lot of them the bitches in this hood are hot yo
i would like to expose myself to you baby be like all up in the bay window when you walk your 800 dollah dog past my house
[the dog's name is coach purse]
-------------------
and after giving you herpes with them i will set the old eye lasers on incinerate and totally light your ass up comma reader
with my words and my dreams and a pony named wildfire.
-------------------
but honestly i really like your band tshirts and how i have to live in the same city as you and how you wear sneakers like a little kid oh and the stuff about your parents ruining your life sounds kinda FUCKING STUPID coming out a mouth in its third decade naw mean?
your dreams are not my dreams ok i need to unlock like a door somewhere or something and as far as i can tell you need to ride nuts until your lips fall off
------------------
i haven't said this in forever but i used to say it all the time and i think i'm gonna start again:
KISSES TO THE KISSABLE DAP TO ALL THE REST
I would hate-fuck all the Real Housewives of NYC. Especially the countess. I know that bitch will hit on me now that she's singe. Wait. Not Alex. That bitch is hideous. That could only be a snuff film without the sex.
Where do all these young, fresh-breasted women come from? Oh yeah. The college up the road. God just keeps making more and more of them for us to devour. Thanks god.
who's fucking who
I've got my fingers all over the letters on my laptop and my earbuds are in my earholes tight and I feel like me and this machine are fucking or something because we're in constant contact and I'm not sure if I'm plugged into it or it's plugged into me and the more I type the hotter I get and a little drop of sweat falls onto the slick silver casing and now it's really like we're fucking and I want to stick my dick in it so I call up some porn and rub my dick all over the cool screen and when I come is like a bucket of Elmer's all over the glass and metal and plastic and I tell the computer I have to be a work early and I leave but I forget to clear my history and it's awkward when I go back to do that and we fake smile and I float a ready-to-be-broken promise and close the laptop
I'm on the train and I can't decide. Should I go to my favorite spot
to write and drink Guiness or write at home where the whiskey is free
and all I'll really do is masturbate and rearange the words in a few
sentences the complain about how I didn't get any writing done?
to write and drink Guiness or write at home where the whiskey is free
and all I'll really do is masturbate and rearange the words in a few
sentences the complain about how I didn't get any writing done?
Sent from my iPhingerfuckgirlsthenlickmyfingers
heartbreak at the legendary 369 or when a democracy ain't a democracy no more
oh how ppl wail when their MOBILITY is murdered they rage they
cry
they ask the coming nite they are
like the citizenry of rome shivering while caesar crosses the rubicon
like the return of so many lonely childhood nites
like the meeting where it was discussed that the point of it all is getting hoes i mean
it's the death of beauty really
of spring
of young
of rejuvenation
alas
doctor pretty toes' traveling fall-in-love show my dear is sadly
now
no
more
nope nossir no new blood for the niner
[a velvet rope put up by micromanaging hands]
like camels separated from the water in they humps
oh
it's not fair he says to the clouds coming out of the back of airplanes and blocking out the blue sky
it's not fair
stand in the kitchen with the french doors open and smoke
and watch the rain
and feel the come run down my left thigh
and think of you and how you smiled that time in the dark in your parent's basement when they were asleep and you were like i prefer the romantics to the victorians and then did that one thing with your mouth yeah baby those days were the shit not a care in the world right
so like ok the rain is falling and the grass is green and the birds are chirping and the girl gets fucked by many guys video ON REDTUBE becomes instantly disgusting after you bust a nut and
you
are forced to close the browser the end
hi i am melinda's IGs i do not listen to ty and i bark all day
one of these days we are going to drink antifreeze have a bless day
umm i was talking to this guy and he said marijuana ash was making the keys on his keyboard turn black
wanna know what i hate
like when you're masturbating and you hit that moment where you realize you won't be able to come.
wtf is up with that shit?
hi i'm friends with a girl who is 25 she knows all the writers from the lit mags she says i am the best.
i'm all thanks yo
You know how I really hate most poetry. Well. On the train this
morning "Time and Materials" by Robert Hass blew my fuching brains out
all over this smelly cunt sitting next to me.
morning "Time and Materials" by Robert Hass blew my fuching brains out
all over this smelly cunt sitting next to me.
Sent from my iPoet
rub your sitemeter on your clit bitch i've had four espressos and i cannot sleep.
when i like look at the sitemeter every nite to reaffirm that ppl love me even though i hate them becuz i'm like fucked up from childhood or something but like here's the kicker my life was actually pretty much awesome but for some reason i decided to act like a spoiled dickhead anyway becuz of whatever but like
this is not psychoanalysis is it so let's move on listen you don't gotta tell me man i know you don't have all day being so important and all [JEALOUS]
ok here goes when i look at the sitemeter every nite and i see all the faraway places around the world and like the bronx and LA and i then i see me here in like a little pinprick of light in the middle of a dark map of america
and i know you think i'm gonna type something sappy about how good it feels to know that i'm alive and how i've been able to announce my existence again and again thru writing [CAUSE CHAGRIN] but i won't
do
you
like
that
baybee
it's pretty fuckin sweet tho if you ask me. but then i'm biased. i act as both my agent and manager.
oh. and lover.
hand lover. get it? i fuckin jack off.
ride with the niner.
you are instructed to go out into the world and half-ass it at work. fuck em. they're prolly gonna lay your shit off anyway.
motherfuckers who snoop thru innocent loving caring bystander's drafts and then expose what is hidden there to the rest of THE GODDAMN INTERNET INCLUDING THE GIRL I CAN'T GET HEAD FROM RIGHT NOW SHOULD BE SHOT.
sent from my iMjustfuckingaroundsheblewme.
no i totally fuckin swear you're not ho-hum at all in fact you're like one of the most interesting ppl i know dude.
SO LIKE KEEP ON WITH THE KEEPIN ON DICKLICKER.
sent from my iMreal.
sure i'll join your writer's network
is it ok if the titles are like your mom is my balls and
die you fucking immigrant wetback or umm
like lorianne
is that going too motherfuckin far?
tell me ok the NINER is all ears
She said, You wanna have my baby?
I said, I don't think it will fit out my dickhole.
She said, You can shoot it out your butt.
I said, I don't think it will fit out my dickhole.
She said, You can shoot it out your butt.
i was looking at the stats for this blog and a couple of things crossed my mind:
1. i can't believe anyone actually likes us
2. i want to party with our readers.
(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom
she goes did you check your work inbox he goes no i am doing a bunch of stuff she is like what watching the biker and the skinhead documentaries you dvr'd he is all come on why you gotta say that man
she sighs
she was actually touching her coochie at work a few minutes ago can you believe that shit the end have a bless day ride with the niner HOES
TONY N TY IS HOMIES
Tony Montana: I never fucked anybody over in my life didn't have it coming to them. You got that? All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. Do you understand? That piece of shit up there, I never liked him, I never trusted him. For all I know he had me set up and had my friend Angel Fernandez killed. But that's history. I'm here, he's not. Do you wanna go on with me, you say it. You don't, then you make a move.
Go fuck your mother
The best of all true things
is a true heart.
Without truth no happiness,
though you try
a million tricks.
- Kabir, a medieval poet-saint of India
In my dream last night, I was at Ty's house and he was feeding his
baby albino tigers. There was a political rally outside. Obama's neice
was running for office in Ohio.
baby albino tigers. There was a political rally outside. Obama's neice
was running for office in Ohio.
What does this mean?
like 20 million yrs ago i stopped writing on my blog to work on the second draft of my novel and since then i've hung out here and on 6S all day long but the good news at least for me is i finally feel that old familiar feeling rising inside me that voice if you will telling me to rip it out my heart that is and throw it down and do it better better better than before finally i am so fucking excited i can't tell you i am so free when the keys dance below my fingers it's the only time i know i am me and umm maybe on some level that is important i want you to read what i write and love me but i hate you every time you do what can i say i'm fucked up
cuz everyone knows bout brother love's show hallelujah.
what if there was like this little ass room ok only it was called an APARTMENT and like someone was sitting in it typing all kinds of STUPID SHIT that their INTERNET FRIENDS always said was DOPE just fantastic wow your stuff is SOOOOOOO CRAZY but
no one really liked the WRITER person in real life or like ok maybe someone did who knows but the writer felt isolated regardless and was totally nagged by this deepdownfeeling that the WRITER'S shit absolutely sucked
i mean wouldn't that be way fucked up and sad i mean almost like pathetic right?
whatever.
---------------------
she said what should we name the baby he said how about the original ray's?
her response was a blank look.
dorothy we ain't in kansas no more he thought to himself.
369 survey
say for example you were looking for like idk a windows disc and you came across a burned cd with "hnt pics" written on it.
would you post some of that shit?
There's only so many times someone can be forced to hear "Living on a
Prayer" before you can legally kill someone for jukebox abuse.
Prayer" before you can legally kill someone for jukebox abuse.
Sent from my iPhone
I offered to buy all the tickets for Tesla and the two women I'm with just laughed their asses off. I don't know what the fuck is so funny.
Sent from my iLovehairbandsnotreallybutwhatever
heard it in a luh-uv song can't be wrong
she goes hi he goes hi.
he's like how ya been she's like fine.
she's all you cut your hair short he's like do you like it she's all yeah.
he stares at her and she stares at him.
he goes you wanna find someplace quiet to talk she says no you never called me after.
he's like dude i lost your number she goes yeah right.
Holymotherfuckingshit
This dude is cut the fuck in half!!!!!! How do I unsee that?!?!?!
suburbo
sunny saturday morning oh yeah three of the kids in the car oh yeah about to turn three and screaming to turn wanted dead or alive down oh yeah all three shaking their butts to tenth avenue freeze out oh yeah pastry shop and sonic at 10 am oh yeah
Ten dollar crack whore blow jobs
Donald Trump hair dos and hair donts
Always bet black cootchies
Always ride with the three six nine
ty bluesmith pleasures women for money
No post to follow. I simply want to read that shit again when I Google myself. Have a bless day.
Oh one more thing.
If Cain killed his brother and then walked off into the sunset where the fuck did we all come from?
Just askin.
we love delonte
"I haven't lost in paper, rock, scissors in 36 years...and I'm only 25..." -Delonte West
this blog is cool and we are cool
and anyone reading this right now and thinkin up a hater ass comment CHUMP should take a bit of advice you may find it helps you or soothes you like a lime wedge squeezed into iced seltzer water on a hot hot day.
ready?
ok here goes:
go fuck your mother.
be aware:
i apologize for anything i said to anyone while i was drunk yesterday.
unless you likedid it.
then we should do it more often.
justkiddingmelindadon'tcry
hi i'm watching a movie about dagos.
well actually three movies. over three days.
becuz that's how i roll CHUMP.
anyway. so like in the second movie [most likely my fave of the three btw] this guy mikey [played by a guy who makes really terrible movies now] grabs his brother on the back of his head and kisses him really hard but you can tell mikey is totally angry becuz he is pushing his lips together and grimacing
ok
and then mikey says i know it was you fredo you broke my heart you broke my heart
and
i think that is so fuckin cool RIGHT don't you?
when we were kids we really didn't get along with the italian kids. but back then ppl didn't used to shoot each other all that much either. mostly fistfights. sometimes worse. ball bats. etc.
whatever. now i'm telling two stories at once. i don't know what it is with me. lately i struggle at holding a straight line.
let's just cut our losses. how's that sound? i will leave you with one simple thought and you can resume your day of lying and being jealous and all the other things you do.
for me - watching that movie [the second one] almost makes me feel bad about all the disrupting i used to do at the feast of san gennaro way back in the diztastik day yo.
almost. but not really.
hey. how bout a joke from back then?
what does IROQ stand for?
ITALIAN RETARD OUT CRUISIN.
RIDE WITH THE 369.
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