My Dearest Lollipop Sugarbeds,

Hi. I am here in Ohio and I love and miss you so much that my heart kind of hurts in my chest behind my ribs I suppose when I think about you. It's weird. But like good weird. Not weird like the guy who works the cash register at the AM/PM on the midnite shift. 


You don't get your snacks at BP? Becuz I totally do. And I am going to vote for BP for everything in the fall. And I've never voted before. Can you fucking believe that? Never voted. Supposedly, things are the way they are becuz I never vote. Me and ppl like me. 

Time passes. 

Sorry. I just orgasmed. 

Anyway. AM/PM is the shit and here is why: They have a mutant working there. 

I mean. I know it's poor form to make fun of burn victims with social anxiety type problems but dude is way wacked the fuck out. I mean. WHo jacks off to Star Wars cartoons in a halfway house and gets their parole violated over it ANYWAY? Plus those glasses. OMG. 

Probbly the Star Wars part is too much information. I apologize. I've been watching a lot of Lockup. 

But since you are here, SWEET BABIES, 

I want to tell you that if I WAS a chick I would let every hot female who wanted to fuck me go so far up in my coochie my nose would bleed. I would totally dyke and lezzie out on Jerry while everyone clapped and chanted and begged to see my stretch mark titties. 

I'd do it on Steve, too.  Wow. I mean. If I was lucky, Steve would kick me off the stage and everyone would boo me but I would not care becuz I would right then decide to let the Jewish producer lady fuck the shit out of me with her rubber dick allnitelongbaby like she seemed to be asking with her eyes when she told me I had to have my visitor ID badge on if I wanted to be in the hall outside the green room. 


So yeah. If I was a girl and like totally hot and whatnot I would totally do Internet muff scenes. Like in jacuzzis and on granite countertops in places that look like the hills surrounding LOS ANGELES