123456789 million deadly eggs are out there waiting to kill you if I do not get you first. Ah, you know I would never hurt you, boo. I was jus'playin. But I cannot protect you from all the dangers in the world forever, baby girl. It is tougher'ana motherfucker out there right now. You noticed, right? Like, my life is fucking great and even I am getting paranoid. But you know how I do. All these sentences I just laid down are kinda bullshit and I am just warming up my fingers to try to tell you something important or maybe not.

A dad with three daughters drunk-dialed me last night and we caught up and I told him all my good news and he told me all his (not much) and he drank a few more beers and he hit me with how he might be fired and how he got a DUI and how he has a massive amount of debt and how they might lose the house and when his wife finally went to fucking bed he told me the real shit, like how she lost all this weight and the sex was good again (finally something good in his life) but then he found out why she stopped stuffing cake in her facehole and you guessed it: she fell in love with a coworker (much younger) and she swears she feels really bad about it because she swears she never would have believed she could have loved anyone but him (even though their relationship started with her cheating on her first husband) and she swears nothing happened with her coworker and swears it was just infatuation and swears they could make it work after all and ...

I am sorry but is this just the same old fucking story? Yeah. It is. And. Well. You have heard it all before. That shit put me in a real bad mood. I hate cliches mostly because they are so fucking true. Does anyone love anyone any more? Speak up, people. Wait, no. Only the people who have sucked the same genitalia for a decade may speak. Wait wait. And. You cannot count kids as a reason you love this person. No crutches aloud. But if you want to admit that your kids and your rapidly advancing age and your lack of options and your generally depressed state of being are the only reasons you are still together, please do because you would be doing all of us here a big big favor, porfa. Tell us the truth.

It is so easy to blame our modern ways for this thing that keeps happening to almost everyone I know and I know the heroes and the villains and let me tell you: everyone is a villain except Norah Jones and that woman's voice is the only hope this world has and I am going to listen to her sing right now and jackoff to orgy porn and maybe cry a little and go out and definitely drink a lot and dance and fuck and tell lies that are mostly true and maybe for a minute I will forget how awful this world can be because I am much happier when I do not think about everyone else's problems and you know the only reason that formerly-fat-ho wife of his wants to work it out is because the young man she fell in "love" with has no interest in a middle-aged mother of three when he can still fuck teenagers and not feel bad about it have a great weekend.