I saw eat pray love last night with a handful of chick friends of mine. I felt gay about it. I am not one to go with a group of ladies to see a chick film, but now I guess I am. I can’t turn back the hands of time and I’m not sure I want to. What’s done is done. Don’t judge. I saw the Expendables last week.

I parked and walked through the complex dealie until I saw them sitting in the outdoor patio restaurant thingie, all mature and being gay together, I was like, I’m gonna bust a cap in their asses with my behavior. So that’s why I decided to ‘jump the fence’ that surrounded the patio instead of going around the entire patio, walking into the restaurant and entering the patio from the ‘proper’ way.

The patio wasn’t full, but the little complex where the movie was playing was sort of ‘hustle bustle’. That phrase, ‘hustle bustle’ is also gay. I am being gay in the writing of this. What I’m trying to say is that there were a handful of people that were about to see me ‘jump the fence’ into the patio.

My gay chick friends didn’t see me until I was almost upon them. They were right by the rail of the little fence. The fence was a gay fence, in that it wasn’t really a fence at all. It was more like short railing connected to the earth by evenly space bars, so when I say, ‘jump the fence’ don’t imagine me climbing a chainlink, spiderman-style, and then hoisting my heft over and dropping to the ground like a criminal. Yes, it’s true I said, ‘jump the fence’ earlier and maybe it was just to make you get all excited for what you expect I will tell you in paragraph four of five because when one says they are going to ‘jump a fence’ it really gives an impression of a feat of strength and agility and I know I’m not the first person that comes to mind when you guys hear that phrase. But that’s okay, it’s true, I am not a gazelle. Maybe a gay-zelle. Did you see what I did right there?

Anyway, I digressed.

So, when they saw me they said my name in almost unison at a large decibel level because they had all been drinking wine. (gay again) and it caused everyone to look in my direction which, I thought, was perfect timing for me to act improperly and ‘jump the fence.’

Now, it’s at this point in the story where I tell you I had on platform sandals, thus adding 2 inches, maybe 3 to my height, putting my wingspan at appx, 5’10” or 5’11”. Adding this detail of platform sandals is again a sort of foreshadowing to what will happen next and I know you are all thinking, ‘this is gonna be good!’ So, I am going to tell you now what happens because I am beating around this bush like there is a nude beach just across the way.

As my name faded away into the night air and I greeted my friends back, they quickly saw what I was about to do and I saw the excitement and the ‘here she goes again’ looks on their faces as I placed my hands on the top of the rail and lifted my right leg over the railing.

Now, this is the part you’ve been waiting for, and this is the part I’ve been meaning to tell you since I started this bitch, and let me apologize in advance for it not meeting your expectations. See, my leg went over successfully as did my other leg. At the most, it was a bit unladylike and ‘not proper’ in that, there were actual openings in the railing, i.e. ‘gates’ that I could’ve used (although I didn’t discover the ‘gates’ until later)

Survey says: Nothing happened.

I feel bad for letting you all down. I really wanted to fall on my face so that it would be a better story for the Niner. In fact, if I really loved the Niner, I would’ve fallen on my face ON PURPOSE just so this story had a better close. And no, I couldn’t lie and say that I fell because the Niner is not about lies baby, it’s about troofs. No lying on the Nine. All due respect.