I was going to try to nine but then I was like, I want some wine, and I didn’t mean for this to rhyme but godDAMN if it is through no fault of mine. fuck. I am all rap gangster up in here. No im not. You know I roll suburban soccer mom style in this bitch like, if i had kids that played soccer but still, even if I did I would be the mom givin out all the after game treats to all the handsome single fathers out behind the mini vans, no, they could also be married fathers, no, that’s slutty. I’m no homewrecker unless its my own. No, just kidding, I’ve kept my home intact. No, just kidding. No, just kidding about the just kidding. For reals. No. I'm all confused now. Where was I? Right. on my knees. right.

Listen up. He wont say it APPARENTLY so I will. We had porno kismet this afternoon see I pornsturbated before going to go do my rundey run which I try not to do because this wet fingered detour usually results in me drowning in the porn vortex which is me trying to get off to the ‘perfect porn’ which, like the holy grail, does not exist will never exist, in my lifetime. Like maybe I’ll have just the right amount of gross dudes gangbanging a girl with the most perfect set of knockers (the dangly kind that look like maybe they have implants but they hang really bulbous and on the low side like they are packing some serious fatty tissue, yeah?) and they will call her bad bad names and she will look like she is not really wanting to be there, like there is some resistance on her part because of the gross and the hairy and the guts and the hairy guts and she will have to be forced to do a lot of things but she will soldier on because of the paycheck, yeah? Anyways, so, this perfect porn might have all of the dudes groping her like they have been on a battleship for forty days and thirty-three nights without any naked women and using her as such et al, but then when it’s time to lather her up with semen they pull out a huge champagne glass and come into it and make her drink it thus ruining the perfect porn for me because that is some fear factor shit that i dont need to see. It’s always the shit like that that ruins it for me. Come on the FACE fellas! The FACE! Also, after you are done, wipe it off on the INSIDE OF HER MOUTH! Sheesh. #commonsense yes I just used a twitter hastag in a blog post #sueme

Anyway. Today I found a particularly interesting porno and let’s just say it involved a fake priest and a fake catholic schoolgirl and the priest had some really interesting teeth and the entire thing was in Spanish. But even so, it was the language of love so I understood every word. And it seemed that the catholic schoolgirl needed some punishment from the lord which was the padre’s penis and she said no a lot and he said Si, Si, a lot and anyways, when it was I was done I emailed the link to him and he told me he had just downloaded that particular film a few days ago or some shiz. #synchronicity

And, hey, props to that ty bluesmith dropping bombs round her lately, yeah? Man, that guy… I tell ya. If I could hand hold him one day with my head full of wine and whiskey tilting our heads together when our vibrations go off at the same time,well, that would be a pretty, pretty day. Me and the bluesmiff. #gfymb

0 for the 369 Crew: