If I wrote you a letter would you write me back?
Would you tell me about your day and your friends and your cat?
I mean your dog. Would you tell me about your dog? Cats make my eyes itch. Plus they boxes stink. And also cat owners are sometimes kinda weird right? I mean. Not all of them. But some. Right? I mean.  Cat ppl sometimes prove to be obsessive stalkers in the long run. Like. Not if a person has outside cats. But like umm the ppl who keep cats prisoners inside with them, yeah, sometimes they get a bit FOCUSED. I have a theory: It's from breathing in all that cat piss smell. And constantly ingesting the hairs that stick to every surface in the house.

But that's not what this post is about. I am not here to judge anyone. You know me.


Plz, my Little Petunia Pie, plz ignore my wandering rants. I can't help myself. Believe me. If I could, it would've been done a long time ago. My life, just so you know, is a series of digressions. I bounce around. It's like my mind is on a giant retarded loop.

Oops. I mean special needs loop. Retarded is as bad a word as nigger.

Meanwhile, even tho we are all so nice and polite, we still have ppl sleeping on the sidewalk.


Irregardless, my Peach. That is not what I'm trying to say. Again. Plus who really listens anyway? I mean, most folks are pretty taxed from not saying nigger. It's hard to find the energy to fix anything else after that mountain-top is reached.

But I came here to write to you about writing to me so if you have just one second I will begin again.


[clears his throat]

If you wrote me a letter would you tell me about your dog and your job and the journey to work and what you wore and what the girl you hate wore and how you just know
that she is copying your style? And would you tell me about lunch and how So-and-So is gay and how Roger said something terrible about women and you came this close to reporting him to HR but decided not to after you ran into him near the vending machines and he bought you a diet soda later in the day?

I mean.

Would there be other things in there too? Like Lily Allen lyrics or words that look like French or Spanish or Portuguese or tiny little figures drawn in the margins?

Becuz I think that would be sweet. Listen. Write as many pages as you plz. I totally want to know about your world. The cars, the bread shops, the way the phone sounds when it rings. Would you do that? Would you share it all?

Would you tell me about the foreigners, their animalistic ways and their delicious spicy foods?

And which political party is dedicated to the removal of said foreigners?

And would you draw smiley faces and lots of ex ohs at the end of the letter and then write your name really big and in cursive?

And then maybe
after waiting patiently
for the arrival of the letter

Would I open it
and find that you sprayed your heavenly perfume on each and every page?

Would that happen?
Could it?
Should it?
I think you have to.

I mean.

Or else I shall be forced to continue basing my posts on the employment of modals.

What can I say. I'm all about verbs.

Fucking sue me.

Thing is tho. I hope you sue for something other than money. Becuz you might be a smidge disappointed when the judge forces open the coffers.

And plus you're only gonna make yourself look stupids when you mess with a bulletproof tiger. Hear me.

No matter what. Legends never fade. And last time I checked, I was still number one.

Have a bless day.