Man sits next to me on the train. His skin is cigar paper. He sprayed himself with that new cologne, Ashtray. No lie.

A fat woman squeezes he fat ass between us and her meaty flanks rest on my arm the whole way. Disgusting.

A friend of mine went out on a date with a woman he met on an online dating site that matches people up in harmonious coupledom. The computer decided that he is best suited to be with this woman out of every woman on the site. She studies the behavior of worms. She is passionate about it. They shook hands after their daytime workday lunch date. He is going to ask her out again via email because she refuses to talk to him on the phone. Hand to god.

There are drug wars in Mexico. I arrive tonight. Bachelor party. I will not drink or look at tits or even do drugs. No way. Okay, that is a lie.

This guy on the train is wearing a J├Ąger Alter T-shirt. What a dipshit. But umlauts are cool. Wait. No. It says Pagan Alter. Never mind.