You didnt eat in the morning and your gf made you late to teh airport [ocd cleaning] to pick up her brother and the traffic on the highway almost made you late to dinner at 2pm and there was a cooler on the back porch when you walked up no
two coolers and you grabbed an ULTRA for yourself and your gfs handsome brother and the icy cold beer went right to your head i mean what did you expect you
never drink anymore and the buzz descended right away and they were all waiting for you inside so you drew a smile across your face and stepped thru the door and hugged and kissed and punched your asshole little nephew hard on his collarbone and went back outside and grabbed your second beer BOOMTOTHEFACE and then everyone sat everywhere you had a baby on your lap always a baby on your lap yeah finally a
THANKSGIVING at the grownups table everything everywhere SMELLS of CHILDHOOD you
with your brussels sprouts and soy beans and baked sweet potato [not enough] all
cold and
everyone going hardy har har you still on that crazy diet
you
kept nodding your head and balancing the baby and trying to eat round little beans with a fork and fat ppl kept saying things like I
WOULD RATHER DIE THAN EAT SOYBEANS and
in your head you were all
dudenoworriesyoulooklikeyouaregonna
and time somehow passed albeit motherfucking slowly and you kept drinking until it was nite and TEXAS beat the pathetic aggies and your belly was full of dirty martinis and you wanted to get laid in a guest room at your parents house but your dick would not get hard so you passed out and woke up at 345 am soaked in sweat they
mustve had the heat on 80
man
and your parents were up too so you took a shower puked in the shower and sat around drinking coffee and reading the 99 newspapers delivered to the end of their driveway each morning and you were careful not to spill anything or make a mess because easily-led lowlifes make messes and successful winners do not and you wanted to leave as soon as you could but your gf said in front of everyone dont rush me this is my only day to relax and it made you feel like an asshole and you hated her for embarrassing you and your head and stomach hurt and you thought to yourself man
i fuckin hate holidays
20369
sitemeter inbox sitemeter inbox sitemeter inbox: nothing nothing nothing: wtf : so bored: losing my mind: word tank is empty: glass o bourbon: music in my ear: zero nil nada
0005 [same old song and dance my friend]
"As to Sing, I’m afraid I must pass. I can’t find a reason to feel truly invested in Chance and I wasn’t drawn in by your writing style in these pages—in the end, I need to be really jazzed about a project to take it on and give it my all and I don’t think this is a good match for me."
2341
If I write something in the dark is it an SOS does it mean plz help me does it mean I am still alive does it mean I still have hopes does it mean anything hi I can't sleep hi I was looking up barely remembered names on FB hi dude everyone looks so old now tell me do I look like them how can I how can a guy who dressed like Martin Gore be wearing a Tap Out shirt how how
how
the fuck does that happen man I
can't sleep I
can't fucking sleep
I can't sleep so many words come out of my fingers every day I pretend I am not me I
asdf for chicken scratch I
dream dreams
man
do you hear me I DREAM DREAMS MAN but my eyes won't fucking close it
is late and I want to run in the morning but right now
I
CANT
SLEEP
my eyes are lying to my brain motherfuckers on there talking about JEEZUS and MILEY CYRUS they
were so
wild back then man
listen I do not remember anyone wishing for minivans
I
remember 16 yr olds in Fred Perry's I
remember when that one girl was the best on a bike in the country I
think to myself I
am a fraud man a total fucking fraud
faces oh
those young faces in my mind for so long are now old on FB why the fuck did I get that acct
ohwhere
have the years gone man every
one
looks so fucking
old ok
[BREATHE]
you
I saw you in the picture before the 7 seconds show
smiling
oh
we were all just babies I
felt so fucking grown up
the
decades man they
passed me by.
how
the fuck does that happen man I
can't sleep I
can't fucking sleep
I can't sleep so many words come out of my fingers every day I pretend I am not me I
asdf for chicken scratch I
dream dreams
man
do you hear me I DREAM DREAMS MAN but my eyes won't fucking close it
is late and I want to run in the morning but right now
I
CANT
SLEEP
my eyes are lying to my brain motherfuckers on there talking about JEEZUS and MILEY CYRUS they
were so
wild back then man
listen I do not remember anyone wishing for minivans
I
remember 16 yr olds in Fred Perry's I
remember when that one girl was the best on a bike in the country I
think to myself I
am a fraud man a total fucking fraud
faces oh
those young faces in my mind for so long are now old on FB why the fuck did I get that acct
ohwhere
have the years gone man every
one
looks so fucking
old ok
[BREATHE]
you
I saw you in the picture before the 7 seconds show
smiling
oh
we were all just babies I
felt so fucking grown up
the
decades man they
passed me by.
0258 | THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING EVE |
It would be nice to fall in love many times each day, and I could. Just the perfect lips or smile or bumpbump. Tight. Every few steps, snap a neck at the future ex. But feel it, really mean it. Like when she wants you to look at something when the game is on and you just do it -- not to shut her up, but because when she smiles that shit will be like the winning touchdown home run goal basket. But when she pulls that shit again, fuckthat. That's bullshit. C'mon lady, what about my time? Don't you love me at all? I know you do. Let's hold hands tomorrow and make out. Your lips...well...what can I really say. They are luscious for reals. Put them on me tomorrow. I have steps to climb right now, going to take them slow okay. Bon Iver in my ear. I cannot hear you now, I can only dream about you, about wanting to touch you but I cannot, even in my very own dream. WTF with that, I know. I mean it is my dream, right? But I guess it's not. That belongs to you, too.
1752 | ALL CAPS GOES RIGHT HERE |
Stuck in my head the way steak sticks between teeth: irremovable. Picking and prodding and sucking at the raw good and bad of us. No others since, and no desire to, and that is okay, people tell me. It does not feel okay, but it is the way it is and was and will be until it is not. The walls still echo and that is okay, too. The incense smoke still rises like a snake, and coils into wisps. But some things are changing, just like the leaves in the park and the graffiti on the bricks. Something is happening soon. It is big (or not). New used to be excitement, now it is aggravation — and that is probably the problem right there.
1719
Hand down my pants all day. Actually, not wearing pants. Hand in my robe all day. Half-chub. Just ate a tiny Snickers bar. Isn't that interesting? Ohio State fight. UFC fight. No more 4 a.m.s. No more waking up at noon. At least not tomorrow. Hot sauce on beans and chicken. Electric fly swatter, zap. And that was my day. Sun is down already, wtf.
:::crickets:::
:::crickets:::
808 | a glass of water is still too complicated to drink |
A pile of worn clothes sleeps on its side of the bed, me on mine. It is about the size of an average female human with minty breath and nice tits. I leave it there, add not-dirty-yet jeans, remove a sweatshirt, toss a bag or a damp towel and it is like time-lapse twists and turns while slow-motion dreaming. My arm over the pile, but no kiss goodnight. No, I do not kiss it goodnight. No.
The herd of black socks with gray toes and heels came in the mail: ordered them online: the good feeling is too much: it should not feel this good: I do not deserve it: or the socks: they are soft.
The herd of black socks with gray toes and heels came in the mail: ordered them online: the good feeling is too much: it should not feel this good: I do not deserve it: or the socks: they are soft.
1159 [369 ride or die]
start with teh asdf ready go be all deep like an internet writer like one who is friends with other internet writers even tho that is a bitter pill to swallow becuz you think that
most of em suck ok umm yeah well the thing is they think you suck in return so what is the difference really
yeah! you say but
i
can beat them down and body slam them in the wild wild west and kool moe dee yawns or i yawn or someone in a starbucks with their mac yawns or idk like maybe
a cat yawns like a talking cartoon cat that sits in a tree and is fat like the one in that pedophile fairy tale i dunno anyway yeah kinda getting off track as usual right haha tyb motherfuckin pussy poker extraordinaire plz excuse yo tengo holes in my brain
anyway
so you write and you go:
vaginica, your pussy lips are rubber and my face is made of sand
blah blah blah
and you do this for a year or years and then hey who knows maybe someone finally gives you a book deal or like maybe you get a job at alliance data hassling ppl for bills they ain't never gonna pay anyhow or like
maybe
you move back in with your mom and tell everyone you meet that she lives with YOU! maybe you
get kinda broke-ish maybe
you ask people to buy you absolut and cranberry drinks at the neighborhood shithole bar may
be what i am typing makes no sense maybe it is becuz i am deep
maybe umm i
d
k
maybe who knows ok we'll get off that topic for a minute becuz i need to tell you something i know 2 girls one is all about allah and the other one yahweh and they wear the special outfits distributed by their religions and here is the thing:
i want to fuck both of them at once like internet porn well actually get a double handjob while they look into the camera ok how does that
sound i mean it wil
l
be mycontribution to wrold peace dude.
hot right bless.
most of em suck ok umm yeah well the thing is they think you suck in return so what is the difference really
yeah! you say but
i
can beat them down and body slam them in the wild wild west and kool moe dee yawns or i yawn or someone in a starbucks with their mac yawns or idk like maybe
a cat yawns like a talking cartoon cat that sits in a tree and is fat like the one in that pedophile fairy tale i dunno anyway yeah kinda getting off track as usual right haha tyb motherfuckin pussy poker extraordinaire plz excuse yo tengo holes in my brain
anyway
so you write and you go:
vaginica, your pussy lips are rubber and my face is made of sand
blah blah blah
and you do this for a year or years and then hey who knows maybe someone finally gives you a book deal or like maybe you get a job at alliance data hassling ppl for bills they ain't never gonna pay anyhow or like
maybe
you move back in with your mom and tell everyone you meet that she lives with YOU! maybe you
get kinda broke-ish maybe
you ask people to buy you absolut and cranberry drinks at the neighborhood shithole bar may
be what i am typing makes no sense maybe it is becuz i am deep
maybe umm i
d
k
maybe who knows ok we'll get off that topic for a minute becuz i need to tell you something i know 2 girls one is all about allah and the other one yahweh and they wear the special outfits distributed by their religions and here is the thing:
i want to fuck both of them at once like internet porn well actually get a double handjob while they look into the camera ok how does that
sound i mean it wil
l
be mycontribution to wrold peace dude.
hot right bless.
808 | cheerful people can go fuck themselves |
Nothing makes a woman more unhappy than a man being happy without her. And even if his life actually sucks, it does not matter. What matters is if she thinks he is happy. This conclusion is based on facts conjured in morning mist or pulled from puffs of smoke outside a bar.
Not-made-up facts:
He should not have taken so much of her madness personally ("Why the fuck are you listening to your iPod while you are doing the dishes? DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME!"). And he should have spared her more of his own (guys, never spit on your lady (unless it is during sex)). Those would have been real acts of love.
He misses her. She must miss him, too, because she does nasty things to hurt him the way she is hurting. It hurts him enough to know she is in pain, and that he could have done more to help her when he had the chance.
She would feel better if she knew how miserable he is now, and he will try to enjoy life even less just for her.
Not-made-up facts:
He should not have taken so much of her madness personally ("Why the fuck are you listening to your iPod while you are doing the dishes? DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME!"). And he should have spared her more of his own (guys, never spit on your lady (unless it is during sex)). Those would have been real acts of love.
He misses her. She must miss him, too, because she does nasty things to hurt him the way she is hurting. It hurts him enough to know she is in pain, and that he could have done more to help her when he had the chance.
She would feel better if she knew how miserable he is now, and he will try to enjoy life even less just for her.
0905 | brrrrrrr |
Women are doing interesting things with otherwise unremarkable legs now that it's cold. Fancy pantyhose, patterned stockings and those leather boots up to the knee. Rub-out material if I still rubbed out, but I do not. No, sir, I do not. I want to bite their legs like ham still on the bone. Hungry for their love, and a sandwich. They just cannot abandon those skirts yet. They will hang on till it finally snows. They are brave but will be sad when it drops a few more degrees and they must hide themselves completely. I will be sad too. But not for long. That's when the tight tight tight turtlenecks come out. Women adapt. They are adapters. I like watching them adapt.
2040
ok sit down and type something type about tomorrow morning at 5 am right but
hey man umm right now i am here on the asdf i am here
in a dark room here eating a vegan pastry yeah i am here
in a freezingcold house yeah boxers and an undershirt icicle feets
[cavs just stomped the magic]
yeah some guy rejected the thing i wrote for his company for the second time yeah back to the old drawing board just gimme my goddamn money man i mean for christ sakes dude
nobody can ever tell me what they want but everyone for sure knows what they don't like right
yeah oh and umm
i just got off the phone i am involved with a charity can you fuckin believe that shit if they only knew about my typins right well umm
i mean maybe some of the ladies would fuck me on acct of my skills right they'd be all come on big daddy stick that monster hog in my cooch right ha
ha here is a glass of expensive vodka sweet ty but i would make a face and SAY! oh fuck no! i'm totally sXe lady! right [partial lie] but whatever
i mean how fuckin cool would that be maybe they would give me roofies and i would wake up tied to a bed while jr league milfs lick honey off my body ahha umm no not honey [mighty vegan warrior] it is bee puke fuckin disgusting right but anyway yeah i
am gonna get up and run in the dark won't
you come with me will you meet me out there some of the houses look so sinister at 5 am baby and
sometimes i hear noises in the woods i get scared oh babygirl
won't you come running with me we
can sync our breathing we can
talk about the runners we wish we were hey i
love lacing up those mizunos even tho my
quads
hate me like i'm cancer hi
my name is tyrell and i like to run it
makes me high and sets me free bless.
hey man umm right now i am here on the asdf i am here
in a dark room here eating a vegan pastry yeah i am here
in a freezingcold house yeah boxers and an undershirt icicle feets
[cavs just stomped the magic]
yeah some guy rejected the thing i wrote for his company for the second time yeah back to the old drawing board just gimme my goddamn money man i mean for christ sakes dude
nobody can ever tell me what they want but everyone for sure knows what they don't like right
yeah oh and umm
i just got off the phone i am involved with a charity can you fuckin believe that shit if they only knew about my typins right well umm
i mean maybe some of the ladies would fuck me on acct of my skills right they'd be all come on big daddy stick that monster hog in my cooch right ha
ha here is a glass of expensive vodka sweet ty but i would make a face and SAY! oh fuck no! i'm totally sXe lady! right [partial lie] but whatever
i mean how fuckin cool would that be maybe they would give me roofies and i would wake up tied to a bed while jr league milfs lick honey off my body ahha umm no not honey [mighty vegan warrior] it is bee puke fuckin disgusting right but anyway yeah i
am gonna get up and run in the dark won't
you come with me will you meet me out there some of the houses look so sinister at 5 am baby and
sometimes i hear noises in the woods i get scared oh babygirl
won't you come running with me we
can sync our breathing we can
talk about the runners we wish we were hey i
love lacing up those mizunos even tho my
quads
hate me like i'm cancer hi
my name is tyrell and i like to run it
makes me high and sets me free bless.
2113 | never forget the warriors |
don't worry! the ghosts of your life cannot catch you man you al
ways
run away so fast so
fucking quick[ly] you
type [asdf] and man try to find a way to escape the commas and the periods
[restrictors] aha you do man that's right becuz it is like totally a
cool way to hide inside the words or some shit and umm
idk
also to maybe keep everything from being right there [out in the open] for everyone well
ah not everyone per se but like idk maybe umm 1000 readers no just kidding maybe like 100 readers no just kidding maybe like 10 readers no just kidding maybe
like 2 just me and your momma yeah she does good sucky sucky G.I. kinda
pathetic right way down yonder in Silver Springs or Chevy Chase MD goin downdiggydown yeah
yeah me tyb
sittin here being
assaulted by the memory of a long dead girl circa 1992 saying OOH the house be
smellin like fried tempeh OOH ass right break out the bbq sauce yeah big smile but
still that vegan warrior rage on rager i
save
my
cruelty
for
YOu [ok]
umm
ya dig?
hey just now or like specifically a little earlier
i was going to write something about the way it used to be but said fuck it instead you know
i was all FUCK IT! LISTEN TO YOUR INNER WHASSUP!
i mean not for nuthin but i
am usually
gonna go where my fingers take me [which right now is typing this line in this dark home office for people whose faces i will never see.]
hi i write for a foundation hi i wrote for my falafel dinner tonite hi i
write becuz i think it proves my existence on this miserable,
wretched
ball.
do you think the same yes or no plz check the appropriate box.
bless.
ways
run away so fast so
fucking quick[ly] you
type [asdf] and man try to find a way to escape the commas and the periods
[restrictors] aha you do man that's right becuz it is like totally a
cool way to hide inside the words or some shit and umm
idk
also to maybe keep everything from being right there [out in the open] for everyone well
ah not everyone per se but like idk maybe umm 1000 readers no just kidding maybe like 100 readers no just kidding maybe like 10 readers no just kidding maybe
like 2 just me and your momma yeah she does good sucky sucky G.I. kinda
pathetic right way down yonder in Silver Springs or Chevy Chase MD goin downdiggydown yeah
yeah me tyb
sittin here being
assaulted by the memory of a long dead girl circa 1992 saying OOH the house be
smellin like fried tempeh OOH ass right break out the bbq sauce yeah big smile but
still that vegan warrior rage on rager i
save
my
cruelty
for
YOu [ok]
umm
ya dig?
hey just now or like specifically a little earlier
i was going to write something about the way it used to be but said fuck it instead you know
i was all FUCK IT! LISTEN TO YOUR INNER WHASSUP!
i mean not for nuthin but i
am usually
gonna go where my fingers take me [which right now is typing this line in this dark home office for people whose faces i will never see.]
hi i write for a foundation hi i wrote for my falafel dinner tonite hi i
write becuz i think it proves my existence on this miserable,
wretched
ball.
do you think the same yes or no plz check the appropriate box.
bless.
2301 | alt youth dot lament |
oh how it was so different then oh
when we were but thin programmed dreams my dear
yeah
you cruisin
sweet
thing playin in your car top down yeah jackie o shades
on your face no your juicy couture sunglasses before i broke them that nite when was i was angry and drunk on rumpleminze no
your moss lipow's you never let me near and your burt's bees lips
bay
bee yeah that's right so soft uh huh
hey lookit!
i see you i am there it is summer and the warm vaults are simulating reality above us yeah and we skipped the movie we were on our way to see becuz hollywood sucks right and
i
was trying to kick that powder again and pricking my little finger with your mother's holyoke '77 pin and sucking the little red drops from between my fingerprints and you were driving too fast vroom always driving too fast yup in that new yellow cabriolet and you sighed and said man let's leave los
angeles and go to my grandfather's place on the coast in oregon it's the former governor's mansion we can see the whales if we are lucky and i was like man fuck the fuckin whales hey
i fuckin hate it here listen i thought i was gonna die on the flight out
it was all jews and mexicans and the stewardess was a guy a total fag with a huge gut and hair plugs and you
laughed and said sweet boy let me take you down to the ocean and i said no need baby i am the ocean and you said damn man how fuckin strung-out are you this time and i
counted to ten in my head and said dude
does it really matter and you made a sad face and stomped on the gas and i saw the ocean below the cliff and the air smelled like salt and dead fish and my addict brain was trying to figure out how to get some cash outta you and find some shit to stack inside my mind yeah
so many years ago and now yours is a face i can barely summon and umm
i wonder if you even remember my name sometimes,
baby.
when we were but thin programmed dreams my dear
yeah
you cruisin
sweet
thing playin in your car top down yeah jackie o shades
on your face no your juicy couture sunglasses before i broke them that nite when was i was angry and drunk on rumpleminze no
your moss lipow's you never let me near and your burt's bees lips
bay
bee yeah that's right so soft uh huh
hey lookit!
i see you i am there it is summer and the warm vaults are simulating reality above us yeah and we skipped the movie we were on our way to see becuz hollywood sucks right and
i
was trying to kick that powder again and pricking my little finger with your mother's holyoke '77 pin and sucking the little red drops from between my fingerprints and you were driving too fast vroom always driving too fast yup in that new yellow cabriolet and you sighed and said man let's leave los
angeles and go to my grandfather's place on the coast in oregon it's the former governor's mansion we can see the whales if we are lucky and i was like man fuck the fuckin whales hey
i fuckin hate it here listen i thought i was gonna die on the flight out
it was all jews and mexicans and the stewardess was a guy a total fag with a huge gut and hair plugs and you
laughed and said sweet boy let me take you down to the ocean and i said no need baby i am the ocean and you said damn man how fuckin strung-out are you this time and i
counted to ten in my head and said dude
does it really matter and you made a sad face and stomped on the gas and i saw the ocean below the cliff and the air smelled like salt and dead fish and my addict brain was trying to figure out how to get some cash outta you and find some shit to stack inside my mind yeah
so many years ago and now yours is a face i can barely summon and umm
i wonder if you even remember my name sometimes,
baby.
1022 | to-do |
There is still stink on me from Willamsburg and Hoboken. That shit does not come off easily. Laundry everywhere, too. I try to change my sheets at least once a month but I am behind. Lots of football today that I do not care about any more. Some clippers will fix my dome in the next few hours. Straight razor, too. Maybe. Typins afterward. Maybe. Probably not. Just does not feel there, ya know? Boxes to go through and mail. Some crying and worrying about nothing. Maybe some reading. Maybe not. Maybe waste the next twelve hours. The cold, cold sun is out, but it will be gone by five and who the fuck decided that shit. Stupid. And cruel. So cruel. Better rub one out and get on my way.
1000 | wake up wake up wake up |
Three exes visited last night. Is that still a dream, or is that something else? They were all in the apartment but never at the same time. I painted the walls with a roller and Gordon Lish told me I did a crappy job. Another Gordon Lish came in and told the first Gordon Lish that he was doing a crappy job, too. Said he was not being hard enough on me. The walls did look crappy. Two shades of green and a bright yellow. Splotchy, drippy. The first Gordon Lish scattered hot coals over the wood floor and one of the exes said, "Who the fuck is this guy? I didn't sign up for this." I assumed she was talking about either Gordon Lish, but maybe she meant someone else.
2038 | crickets |
Never go to Williamsburg and Hoboken in the same night. Actually, never go to Williamsburg and Hoboken at all.
0801
the mind or like more specifically umm my mind dude it fucks with me or umm like NO!
WAIT! a more concise explanation would be that i fuck with my mind yeah hot mosdef
maybe that is a better way to say it i mean i can't stop doing that listen i tell ppl a better way to say things for moolah lettuce cheddar deniro etc ok and umm also a better way
to write things and when i finish they
give me money and shake hands and
say thank you and in response i say it is/was a pleasure talking with you and draw a smile across the front of my head becuz i think that is what i am supposed to do but like umm honestly idk how the whole enchilada makes me feel maybe like a fraud maybe like dude you do not belong here maybe like tomorrow the bottom is gonna fall the fuck out from under you lookoutbelow
anyway
i
miss my sweet sweet asdf and i
wanted to stop in and talk to the niner for a bit and plus say whassup to the mofos on 13 stitches man i
miss everyone and i
have been running man
running like a mofo lately
runningman umm every day well six of em each week anyway i go on these long runs i have a 50k and then a 50 miler coming up in the spring and my weekly miles need to go from 40 to 50 and so i am out there running all the time yeah man my mizunos sing me a slap slap song while i count onetwo onetwo in my head and look around and ignore random leg pains and some of the trees are still pretty but a lot of them are str8up winter already and i laugh at every dead little snake i see on the ground that was squashed by technology or reptile stupidity or whatthefuckever not important really but i laugh at them i do and i see so many deer even the occasional buck they come so close to me such beautiful animals i
saw
a
bumper
sticker it was all:
PENIS TOO SMALL? TRY HUNTING!
and man it made me laugh laugh laugh but anyway i am digressing i have been going on long runs like 1.5 hours; 2 hours; 3 hours and
lots of thoughts circle around in my head like:
man i'm so fuckin bored
man those downhills kill my fuckin quads
man you can't do this
man you can't do that
man man man.
i try to trick my brain into thinking positive thoughts but it only lasts so long.
i mean. i am a product of this culture right so
eventually it turns into:
45 more minutes and you'll be done. work on breathing and keep putting your heels down first.
but like don't get me wrong. i love distance running. it sets me free. but it also lets my mind attack me from every angle and umm baby
i want you to know that the imaginary conversations i have with you while i am out there cutting thru the ether armed only with my heart and my will
umm
sometimes those make believe discussions are the only things that keep me going.
yeah. you are everything i ever needed even tho you drive me crazy and bother the fuck out of me.
idk. i guess you could say this is your love poem.
[take me out to dinner.]
bless.
ty bluesmith. november, 2009.
WAIT! a more concise explanation would be that i fuck with my mind yeah hot mosdef
maybe that is a better way to say it i mean i can't stop doing that listen i tell ppl a better way to say things for moolah lettuce cheddar deniro etc ok and umm also a better way
to write things and when i finish they
give me money and shake hands and
say thank you and in response i say it is/was a pleasure talking with you and draw a smile across the front of my head becuz i think that is what i am supposed to do but like umm honestly idk how the whole enchilada makes me feel maybe like a fraud maybe like dude you do not belong here maybe like tomorrow the bottom is gonna fall the fuck out from under you lookoutbelow
anyway
i
miss my sweet sweet asdf and i
wanted to stop in and talk to the niner for a bit and plus say whassup to the mofos on 13 stitches man i
miss everyone and i
have been running man
running like a mofo lately
runningman umm every day well six of em each week anyway i go on these long runs i have a 50k and then a 50 miler coming up in the spring and my weekly miles need to go from 40 to 50 and so i am out there running all the time yeah man my mizunos sing me a slap slap song while i count onetwo onetwo in my head and look around and ignore random leg pains and some of the trees are still pretty but a lot of them are str8up winter already and i laugh at every dead little snake i see on the ground that was squashed by technology or reptile stupidity or whatthefuckever not important really but i laugh at them i do and i see so many deer even the occasional buck they come so close to me such beautiful animals i
saw
a
bumper
sticker it was all:
PENIS TOO SMALL? TRY HUNTING!
and man it made me laugh laugh laugh but anyway i am digressing i have been going on long runs like 1.5 hours; 2 hours; 3 hours and
lots of thoughts circle around in my head like:
man i'm so fuckin bored
man those downhills kill my fuckin quads
man you can't do this
man you can't do that
man man man.
i try to trick my brain into thinking positive thoughts but it only lasts so long.
i mean. i am a product of this culture right so
eventually it turns into:
45 more minutes and you'll be done. work on breathing and keep putting your heels down first.
but like don't get me wrong. i love distance running. it sets me free. but it also lets my mind attack me from every angle and umm baby
i want you to know that the imaginary conversations i have with you while i am out there cutting thru the ether armed only with my heart and my will
umm
sometimes those make believe discussions are the only things that keep me going.
yeah. you are everything i ever needed even tho you drive me crazy and bother the fuck out of me.
idk. i guess you could say this is your love poem.
[take me out to dinner.]
bless.
ty bluesmith. november, 2009.
27
This kid said something like, The new Yankee Stadium is as sterile as a mall. That was six months ago. It's no Citi Field, he said. The Mets had done it right, he said. He's grinding his teeth right now. Pulling clumps of hair from his scalp. Maybe putting a fist through a wall. Let's all feel sorry for him. He does not quite get it, and maybe he never will. No, he never will. Fuck him. The Yankees won the World Series in their first season in a new stadium that is as close to a cathedral as you can get without a book written by God.
BX, baby!
Say what you want about money or whatever, they did it. Boston can suck a bag of dicks. So can Queens and anywhere else that has no respect for things done properly.
Baseball. This is how you play it.
2057 | drain-o |
She says she does not remember what happened that night so I hint at head and then take it back and she is a twisted mess. I feel guilty, but in the good way that you get from fucking with someone over something not so important. Like it is more fun to watch her squirm over the thing than the thing itself (which may or may not have happened).
Finally she says, "It's all just technicalities and flesh," and I wish I thought of shit like that to say. She wins on that alone but does not know it.
She has a way with words. She shows me something she wrote and it is really good and I know that when I tell her how good it is she will not believe me. She keeps coming back to the thing though, the thing that may or may not have happened, and it squashes the good time we are having. Mostly because she said she was great at that and I said that it was just okay.
She ditches me at the college library that she still has an ID for, the same one where a kid jumped to his death from the tenth floor today. "Again?" she says when I tell her the news. We make masturbation jokes and laugh at people who suck at life, like us, but worse. A student who saw him hit the bottom said she was surprised there was no blood or splatter, just a loud thud.
When I get off the train, I stop in my dinner spot for two blistery empanadas (a buck each, I fucking shit you not) and a tub of red beans. The ladies behind the counter are all related in the tits and do not mind celebrating them. Half smile, half do not. It doesn't matter.
She had asked me at the bar if I had seen hers when we did whatever we did. I was like are you serious? And she said sorry and asked me what I thought of them. I said there was nothing wrong with them. She thinks big is the best, and I told her tittie size is overrated, but I do not think she believed me. It's more about shape. It really is.
I pay for my beans and empanadas and walk up a couple hundred steps to my apartment and sit in the laptop-lit room and type all I have time to type, which is still probably more than people have the time or desire to read. I think about her story and how good it is and I take a bite of blistery empanada and put a period at the end of a long, draw-out sentence with too many conjunctions.
Finally she says, "It's all just technicalities and flesh," and I wish I thought of shit like that to say. She wins on that alone but does not know it.
She has a way with words. She shows me something she wrote and it is really good and I know that when I tell her how good it is she will not believe me. She keeps coming back to the thing though, the thing that may or may not have happened, and it squashes the good time we are having. Mostly because she said she was great at that and I said that it was just okay.
She ditches me at the college library that she still has an ID for, the same one where a kid jumped to his death from the tenth floor today. "Again?" she says when I tell her the news. We make masturbation jokes and laugh at people who suck at life, like us, but worse. A student who saw him hit the bottom said she was surprised there was no blood or splatter, just a loud thud.
When I get off the train, I stop in my dinner spot for two blistery empanadas (a buck each, I fucking shit you not) and a tub of red beans. The ladies behind the counter are all related in the tits and do not mind celebrating them. Half smile, half do not. It doesn't matter.
She had asked me at the bar if I had seen hers when we did whatever we did. I was like are you serious? And she said sorry and asked me what I thought of them. I said there was nothing wrong with them. She thinks big is the best, and I told her tittie size is overrated, but I do not think she believed me. It's more about shape. It really is.
I pay for my beans and empanadas and walk up a couple hundred steps to my apartment and sit in the laptop-lit room and type all I have time to type, which is still probably more than people have the time or desire to read. I think about her story and how good it is and I take a bite of blistery empanada and put a period at the end of a long, draw-out sentence with too many conjunctions.
1115
he goes did you get what i send you what i write
i
go
yes. i sure didilly did. no
i
left off the flander's part ok i simply replied yes i
did and
he was like what do you think and i was like well ok umm
the message
comes thru i mean it appealed to my heart and that's a good thing right i mean when you are writing for something like a grant or private funding you mosdefinitely want to make that connection with the words becuz due to the physical distance your eyes cannot do it i mean make it happen know what i mean
[he nods]
but umm [i go]
there are a few issues with umm
1. grammar
2. spelling
3. punctuation and
4. style
style? [says he]
yes umm you tend to get a bit wordy.
wordy?
yes.
i don't know. i like how i write.
we stare at one another across the table. the girl who was behind the cash register when i arrived is now mopping the floor. the water in the bucket smells old and musty. maybe it's the mop.
i sip my soy latte. cold.
i do not understand [he says]. in belarus this is how we write.
i look at my watch while he searches for something in his papers. twenty-eight more minutes. outside the sky is dark. i can hear the rain on the roof of the coffee shop. it dances in the black puddles in the parking lot
listen
man
i hate the fucking rain.
i
go
yes. i sure didilly did. no
i
left off the flander's part ok i simply replied yes i
did and
he was like what do you think and i was like well ok umm
the message
comes thru i mean it appealed to my heart and that's a good thing right i mean when you are writing for something like a grant or private funding you mosdefinitely want to make that connection with the words becuz due to the physical distance your eyes cannot do it i mean make it happen know what i mean
[he nods]
but umm [i go]
there are a few issues with umm
1. grammar
2. spelling
3. punctuation and
4. style
style? [says he]
yes umm you tend to get a bit wordy.
wordy?
yes.
i don't know. i like how i write.
we stare at one another across the table. the girl who was behind the cash register when i arrived is now mopping the floor. the water in the bucket smells old and musty. maybe it's the mop.
i sip my soy latte. cold.
i do not understand [he says]. in belarus this is how we write.
i look at my watch while he searches for something in his papers. twenty-eight more minutes. outside the sky is dark. i can hear the rain on the roof of the coffee shop. it dances in the black puddles in the parking lot
listen
man
i hate the fucking rain.
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